King Kong meets Godzilla!

I’m sure that we’ve all seen the wonderful sugary sweet, picture perfect Hollywood film depiction of a family; two perky , positively angelic children that talk so eloquently and share everything wondrously well. They are never: dirty, pick their noses, poo their pants, scream in your face, batter the living daylights out of each other or play with their winkies in front of all and sundry!

Of course they don’t and we all know why don’t why don’t we? Real life isn’t like that! You can’t create the perfectly behaved child!! They are always going to be fascinated with their private parts and who can blame them eh? Most men I know are still unbelievably fixated with their Tinkie Winkies and fiddle with them all day long!

Children are obviously going to develop their personalities and work hard to assert their independence with no regard whatsoever for the dainty nuances of social etiquette.

You will of course, know exactly what I am referring to if there is a toddler in your family! Wilful? Blimey! Now there’s an understatement!

Bringing a new baby into the realm of the toddler is always going to be a tricky thing and so, like most people with good intentions, I read up about it – I was a Brownie you know and find that I often like to ‘Be Prepared’! There are lots of handy hints in the pregnancy books about how and when to introduce your other children to the new addition; what to say and how to act in order to make your toddler feel at ease. Indeed, some books go into minute detail about how you should position yourself in the hospital bed and what you should do with your eyes (what?) when your toddler comes into the room.

So…as per the instructions in my pregnancy handbook, I promptly bought a present for my eldest, all beautifully wrapped by the newborn (he’s very advanced you know), and told my son that ‘the baby had bought him a present because he was excited to meet his new brother’. As per instructions, I positioned myself as far away from the baby as I could (well, I actually couldn’t move as I was still paralysed but hey ho), and focused all of my attention on son number one.

Great! Brilliant!! It was going well…

He was super excited about: his present and seeing mummy and being in a new room and touching buttons on the bed and trying to have a poo in the hospital toilet cos he hadn’t tried that one before, and touching the curtains that went round the bed and wiping his dirty hands on my bed sheets and playing with his doctor’s kit that the new baby had bought him and shouting so we all knew he was in the room and climbing on the sofa to look out of the window and touching the baby’s head…a lot! Phew!

So we all agreed that apart from the over exuberance it went quite well. There were no tears or tantrums and I was feeling a bit like a Supermum that had not only managed to get chopped open and survive that day (hurrah for me) but I’d also successfully navigated unchartered terrain and ended up with a happy normal well-adjusted toddler……

Hmmmm. Then we brought the baby home.

GodzillavKong1

King Kong seemed to be none too pleased when the very noisy and ever so slightly annoying Godzilla entered his domain!

During the course of my first day back at home I could clearly see the hairs on the back of King Kong’s neck bristle when he heard the noise that Godzilla could emit! This, of course, would never stop him from lording it over his minions, who up until now had always given him their undivided attention and so he cranked up his own ROOOAAR!! My husband and I were being warned in no uncertain terms that there was only one King of the jungle here and no reptile was going to usurp him! The ROOOOOOOAAAR increased.

This was then accompanied by some random tears and some quite inexplicable tantrums, rounded off with a few visits to ‘The Naughty Step’, where there was a flat refusal to say ‘Sorry’ for any Gorilla-like escapades that he had been involved in!

HANG ON!! I read the manual! Surely  because I’d followed the instructions this shouldn’t happen?? Where had the Golden child gone? He had morphed into a gigantic ape in front of my eyes!!

Meanwhile, let’s not forget Godzilla. Although small, he definitely had the lungs of a scaly sea creature and was not afraid to do battle for noise supremacy and overall Alpha Male status!!

Couple the din with a lack of sleep, major surgery, hormones and the dreaded breastfeeding (that particular wonder of nature is for another blog) and it all goes to blow that rose tinted perception of ‘my new lovely little family’ out of the water! I wonder if Hollywood is interested in taking them both for a few years and making a new ‘King Kong meets Godzilla’ flick, to more clearly represent the modern family?? Just a thought!

Too Posh to Push?

New-born-baby

If you’ve noticed the absence of posts recently it’s not because I’ve been overdosing on the Christmas pudding (more like resembling one) but rather I have been mainly birthing. Yes…this Christmas period has seen a new addition to my little family and it has, yet again, thrown life into a spin to say the least!

Childbirth…something that most women expect to go through and ‘experience’ at some point in their lives. And although expected, I,  like most women was slightly, shall we say ‘taken by surprise’ when I ‘experienced’ it for the first time.

Why you may ask? Didn’t she go to ante-natal classes? Speak to her mum? Talk to a midwife? Read a book on the subject? Well yes dear reader, I did all of these things, however, it is one thing to talk or read about something and quite another to go through it.

For a start, all of the books you read speak about things in a matter of fact way, as if the whole process is a breeze. There are chapters on ‘how to manage your pain’ for example. What? Really? You can manage it? Brilliant…nooooo problemo then. I’ll just read this chapter and everything will be fine. In reality however, I can’t even manage the pain of a paper cut , so I don’t know how I ever thought I’d manage labour!!!

What’s missing from the books of course, is a detailed, intricate account of the pain. A real insight into it: the sensation; the depth; the overwhelming fear involved as the pain intensifies. And of course, when you find yourself in the midst of it, whilst telling yourself to be brave, you can’t really escape the feeling that this may be curtains for you!

Manage it…pah! Give me some drugs and that’ll manage it a hell of a lot better thanks very much!

So why am I talking of the pain? Well, surely that potential pain and the avoidance of it has a lot of women nowadays veering towards the option of a Caesarean Section? The operation of choice. The swift and easy way to avoid the drawn out, embarrassing and exhausting ‘labour’. The way that celebrities do it ! Well if it’s good enough for Victoria Beckham, surely it’s good enough for me?

If this is something you’ve been mulling over and its affecting your birth choice let me just set you straight. Believe me…you’d rather push!!

Why? Well for starters it isn’t the ‘easy option’ at all, quite the opposite in fact. Of course it has certain advantages, such as you know the exact date your baby is coming and you can plan around the date. And……..that’s about it for advantages. Honestly.

If you’re thinking of avoiding the pain of labour by having a C-Section, let me just tell you that there is NO AVOIDING THE PAIN!!! EVER! The pain is just located in a different area of your body. Get used to it – popping out a sprog hurts and you can’t really dodge it by opting for major abdominal surgery! What you really want to do is have an Epidural – Wow! Brilliant!! As soon as you have one of those everything seems better!! Epidural and push! Forget the C-Section – trust me!

So why do the stars seem to opt for the C-Section? I’ve no idea! Work schedules seems an obvious idea but then the recovery time from the operation is a minimum of six weeks! Six weeks without driving, walking, sitting upright unaided even initially going to the toilet without help (nice)!

What I do know is that through the choices of the ‘stars’, the current ‘too posh to push’ trend has allowed random people to make judgements about how your baby enters the world.

Annoying Man: Your baby came out of the sunroof didn’t it?

Even More Annoying Man: You were too lazy to have your baby properly weren’t you?

Exceptionally Annoying Man that I want to punch: Well you didn’t really give birth though did you?

Aaaargh!! Your hormones are raging, you’ve had no sleep since….who knows and people like to impart their point of view upon you. Well thanks but…keep it to yourself!

Even worse than this is if you ended up with an Emergency C-Section after labouring for hours!! This happened to me the first time and after a 43 hour labour I had to have a C-Section!. A 43 hour labour!!! Are you joking! I still can’t believe that happened. It’s worse than a Medieval torture session in The Tower of London (well maybe not but there’s nothing like a touch of the dramatic to make me feel better)! And yet people will still assume that you ‘took the easy option’.

It is currently week 3 of my recovery and it’s safe to say that although I can now go to the toilet by myself (phew!) I still have a way to go to resume ‘normal life’. That’s ok though, as I have a husband on Paternity leave to help me out…….Darling, is the kettle on?