Not Bloomin’ likely!

Blooming. What a lovely word and an even lovelier metaphor for the pregnant woman.

However, I feel that it’s ever so slightly off the mark. Just a touch. A teensy tiny bit optimistic if you will. Let me explain…

There is something in the word ‘blooming’; something wonderful and warming in its effect upon the pregnant woman. It has the ability to make her feel feminine again, and ever so slightly…..floral? It lends itself to wonderful images of Spring and the new awakenings that happen at that glorious time of year: colours; fragrances and the hope of a new beginning.

Unfortunately though, what I’ve come to realise is that I don’t smell of wild roses on a beautiful morn; more eau de sweaty donkey, that has just carried a fat tourist up a mountain to the Acropolis on Lindos! The feminine rose  floral idea just doesn’t have any standing in reality I’m afraid.

Hang on…what about the pinky glow in my cheeks that is akin to the beautiful blush of a rose? Nope. That’s actually high blood pressure; as I embarrassingly pant my way through another conversation, with no physical exertion having taken place at all!

Well surely we’re safe in talking about the new life blossoming in the belly? The wonderful creation that has been bestowed upon the beautiful pregnant woman. And yes…it is wonderful (even I’m not that cynical) but unfortunately….and I’m going out on a limb here but… it doesn’t make you prettier!

There, I’ve said it. It really, really doesn’t! Sorry! It makes you look fat, bloated and a bit of a heifer when all’s said and done. Body parts that you never knew moved are now able to……to swell; and believe you me, it’s not a pretty sight! The burgeoning belly can actually begin to look a tad frightening as you’re introduced to it a good two seconds before the rest of the woman. The vast maze of veins that seem to develop and criss cross all over it, in their blue and purple pageantry, can really disturb some people at the beach, who were minding their own business not two minutes ago but have now run screaming for the surf!

The problem is that I too have been guilty of saying this ‘blooming’ word to other women…just to make them feel better. To give them a ray of hope in the dressing room, that all is not lost and they are still maintaining their looks, even though they’re nearly at D-Day. And you do believe it…you really do… in your first pregnancy.

However, if you are carrying your second, third or (what were you thinking?) fourth child, you know, as I do, that it is garbage! You are NOT blooming. You’re knackered, fat and wondering where those great boobs you used to have have gone………..?

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